Most of my growing up years,
my parents were missionary church planters, so I was obviously raised
in a Christian home with a Biblical worldview.
Although I had repeated the
words of “The Sinner's Prayer” at the age of 5, it wasn't until I
was a teenager that I finally realized my own sinfulness and need of
a Savior.
Shorty after that, some
missionaries to Papua New Guinea visited our church. I heard of the
desperate need of unreached people groups in that far away land and
felt I should go.
So, at 18, I left home for
Bible college. Not long after graduation, some things happened in my
life that not only shook my faith, but also left me disillusioned
with church and church people. It would have been wise to go home to
my family, but my parents were in ministry half a world away and I
wanted to stay in the United States.
If you've ever experienced
loneliness, anger and depression at the same time, you may have some
idea of where my head and heart were during that time. I made some
new “friends” who were into the bar scene whom I eventually
allowed to talk me into joining them. That was another bad decision
on a slippery slope down into the pit.
The downward spiral in my
life didn't begin with my first drink, first boyfriend or first visit
to a bar. It began long before that in my thinking and attitudes.
Also, I knew that Jesus is my Savior but had no idea how to nurture
that relationship, or even that it was possible. I thought that
“doing” was the best way to please Him, not realizing that
“being” what He wants me to be is what He desires most.
You've probably heard of the
prodigal son (Luke 15). My life during that long period of rebellion
was no better than his. My parents didn't have a financial
inheritance for me to squander but I had a rich spiritual heritage
that wasted away in those years.
Although at times I thought
I was having fun, that time in my life was, in reality, the darkest.
It came to a point where I was drinking very heavily on a daily basis
and was living like I had never known God.
I really felt that God had
walked away and abandoned me and I tried to convince myself that I
didn't care. But, it was me who had walked away from Him. He was
there all the time, just waiting for me to turn around to see Him.
During that rebellious
period of my life, I met and married an unbeliever even though I was
very aware of what God has to say about being unequally yoked. Our
dating relationship had centered around the bar scene and this
continued into our marriage.
When we learned we were
expecting our first child, I was scared to death. I knew our
lifestyle was not fit for raising a child and I knew that it needed
to change. For the first time in several years, I cried out to God.
Honestly, I wasn't sure if He would hear me after all I had done.
“But God,
who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us...”
-Ephesians 2:4.
I love the first 2 words of
that verse.
I walked away from
everything I knew to be right and true, BUT GOD...
I had lived a very shameful
life, BUT GOD...
I had turned my back on Him,
BUT GOD...
I didn't know how to get
back, BUT GOD...
I didn't know if He would
ever care for me, BUT GOD...
God is indeed rich in mercy
and loves us with a great and everlasting love. He broke through all
of the chains that bound me, shattered the darkness with the glorious
light of His love and brought me back to Himself, restoring the
relationship I thought was gone forever.
Some say it is possible for
a Christian to lose their salvation. I won't argue the point here but
can tell you that in all the depths of my sin, I knew my salvation
was not lost. When God turned me around to see Him still there
waiting for me, I wept for 2 days.
The repentance that came to
my heart was not that of a lost soul in need of a Savior. I knew I
had been saved. My tears were of grief over all I had done to hurt my
Savior in my sin. Those tears then turned to tears of joy as I
realized that God was there all the time, He still loved me and that His grace is sufficient
even for me.
I dug my Bible out of a box
at the back of a closet and devoured it as one who had been starving
which I had, spiritually. My husband, understandably, thought I had
lost my mind. The marriage was not good before the Lord got hold of
me, but it became much worse afterward.
The Lord led me to a church
that was just starting up and going through a discipleship series. It
was pretty basic teaching, but was exactly what I needed in order to
get rooted in the Word and in Christ once again.
My husband was not happy
with the change he saw in me. Many times, he told me that I was not
the woman he married. He was right, but what could I do? My pastor
advised me to live a good testimony before my husband in all areas. I
was not then, nor am I now, perfect but strove to be the best wife
and mother I could be and prayed daily for my husband's salvation.
Our marriage got worse by
the day it seemed. It came to the point where I was no longer
safe in my own home and neither were our children. We separated for a few
months, then my pastor convinced me that my husband had changed and that we should get back together. We did. My husband went
to church with me once and never again afterward. The physical,
verbal and emotional abuse just continued to escalate.
We were divorced in 2002 and
it hasn't been easy going it alone but I'm really not alone. Through
the divorce, then parenting singly, through 2 bouts of cancer,
financial and physical difficulties, God has been there all the time.
My Savior has walked through the valleys,
upon the mountain tops, and everywhere in between with me, for he
hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. -Hebrews 13:5
Over the last few years, God
has begun to teach me what it means to walk with Him moment by
moment, day by day. By His grace, I'm learning that a Martha-type
busy ("doing") isn't always the best thing and also learning, like Mary, the
benefits and blessings of sitting at Jesus' feet, hearing His voice, living out His Word, and resting in His love ("being").
You may feel like God has walked away, but He hasn't.
He's right there waiting for you to turn around to see Him.
Just turn around and look.
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