It's cancer... stage 4.
When
I heard those words, the bottom dropped out of my stomach and out of
my world.
It
was November 2006. My boys were ages 9, 10 and 14. I was a full-time student, taking preparatory classes to enter the nursing program. I also worked a part-time job.
Cancer? Surgery? Treatment? My kids need
their mom! I don't have time for this!
Dr
B described the surgery. Right modified radical neck dissection. The
risks? There were multiple tumors throughout my neck, but 2 areas
were of particular concern.
Getting
at the tumors around my trachea would be tricky. It was very likely
that I would have to breathe through a hole in my neck afterward.
There was also a large tumor sitting on the spinal accessory nerve.
Removing it would damage the nerve and cause at least partial
paralysis of my right shoulder.
I
had to ask. If I have the surgery and treatment, what's the
prognosis? How long do I have? Dr B was evasive at first but I was
insistent, reminding him that I had children to care for. The answer?
Maybe 5 years. And, without surgery? 2 or 3 months.
When
I got in the car, my mind was in overdrive and I rambled on and on
out loud to the Lord about my anxieties.
Lord, what about the boys?
Lord, let me live long enough to finish raising them, please.
Lord, I don't want to wake up breathing through a tube in my neck.
Lord, what about the boys?
Lord, help!
In
the midst of my babbling, I heard very clearly, “I will hold thy
right hand.” What?
Again that quiet, assuring voice came. “I
will hold thy right hand.”
Thank
You, Father.
I
knew those words were from Scripture but couldn't remember where.
When I got home, I looked it up and bawled as I read,
“Thou whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called thee from the chief men thereof, and said unto thee, Thou art my servant; I have chosen thee, and not cast thee away.
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness...
For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.” (Isaiah 41:9-10, 13)
Throughout
the following week, those words were at the forefront of my mind and
began to sink into my heart, into the places I needed them most.
“I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand...”
The
day of surgery came. My parents were at the hospital, as were some
close friends in the Lord. As the nurses prepared me to go to the
operating room, that quiet, assuring voice came again.
“I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand...”
Thank
You, Father.
When
I woke up there was no person in the room, but Someone was holding my
right hand. I felt the warmth and tenderness of the grasp and felt
secure in the strength of it at the same time.
Thank
You, Father.
I
once shared that incident with a Christian friend who said, “You must
have imagined it.”
Absolutely
not. My God keeps His promises. He promised to hold my right hand and
He did.
“Know
therefore that the Lord thy God, he is God, the faithful God, which
keepeth covenant and mercy with them that love him and keep his
commandments to a thousand generations” (Deuteronomy 7:9).
Thank
You, Father.
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